You Might be a Slaker if....

Friends, I'm throwing in the towel. “Uncle,” I cry. Its time for me to admit I’ve made a mistake and to take appropriate action. What mistake did I make? I attached myself to a Religious Society in which it is either a) terribly unclear what it means to be a member or b) it is clear, but many of us, myself included, don’t share in that clarity. And one thing I crave is clarity, as hard as it is to come by.

So my solution is to simply admit that I cannot with any integrity claim to be one of those critters that goes by the appellation of “Quaker.” (And as you’ll soon find out “integrity” is one of those things I want to hang on to) There’s a lot to like about the way Quakers do things, but there is so much disagreement about the proper outer boundaries of inclusiveness that I think it best to simply stake out my own boundaries and invite others of like mind to join. I don't want to turn the Quakers into the Unitarians (see below for heart wrenching details). Howard Brinton once wrote that the world may need a “Quaker-like religion.” Don’t press me for the source, but I’m sure I read it somewhere. I am now ready to found such a religion. What I propose will share many of the characteristics of Quakerism, mostly in the “practice” department.

Now I’m not really proposing a schism here. Its just that I do have a decent respect for the opinions (as Tom Jefferson might have said) of those who want to preserve Quakerism As They Understand It. Whether that is truly possible or not is for them to work out. I can’t figure it out and my brain hurts from trying. So this isn’t a new branch of Quakerism. It’s a new religion altogether.

So welcome to the formational meeting of the Religious Society of Blends. We are also commonly known as the “Slakers.” The latter term refers to our desire and willingness to slake our spiritual thirst, and our belief that our practices can help us do that. We believe that if we show up and do the practices, God (or divine energy or the Tao) will take care of the rest. Some wags may wish to point out the similarity to the term “Slackers.” That's fine, as we are proudly slack in our devotion to theology. Oh, we may dabble in it, and perhaps even discuss – or when we are feeling particularly bold -- debate it! But we do so only in a spirit of fun, enjoying the many possible variations and points of view, much like jazz musicians seeking yet another possible improvisational riff.

You may have any sort of religious or non-religious point of view, although we do ask that you don’t take yourself too seriously. (You may take your religion as seriously as you like, its yourSELF we’re asking you not to get overly prepossessed with). Be prepared to respect others’ outlook. We are a religion, by the way, and if you can’t abide anyone using religious language, we understand, but perhaps you’d be happier in another society, the Spakers, perhaps...

What we do request is that you adhere to our practices as faithfully as possible (though we understand we will all often fall short, which will be an occasion for good-natured laughter). These practices are ones which we have borrowed from “the Quakers” (and a grateful nod of appreciation to them!) They include silent worship, meetings for business, and the like.

We do have a loosely defined notion about spiritual guidance. We ask that you not speak unless you feel led by something more exalted than your everyday chattering mind. We think you know what we mean by that, and as you progress in our society your understanding will grow deeper and you’ll get it even more. You can call that “something” whatever you like, as long as you understand that others may call it something else.

We also have testimonies, and they are the SPICE testimonies, dag nabbit. That’s right the SPICE testimonies. SPICE. Got that? (Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community and Equality). We like acronyms. We borrowed this one from some Quakers, although not all....oh, never mind!

Now, as open-minded and tolerant as all of the foregoing may seem, we have some definite proscriptions. The following rules (yes, rules!) Must Be Observed among the Religious Society of Blends:

1. Wednesday is “Plain Dress Day.” This means you must forego wearing T-shirts bearing messages of any kind (particularly political ones) from sunup to sundown. Hey, one day isn’t gonna kill you!

2. Bumper stickers: you may have 2 on any one bumper. No more. Why? Because its just good to have a few boundaries, that’s all.

3. Thou shalt not string colored yarn formlessly about trees and bushes. Or anywhere else for that matter.

4. And you shall surely refrain from calling it a “tapestry” much less a “blessed” one. In fact, don’t ever even say the word “tapestry.” I believe it was the Unitarians that started this, or maybe the Wiccans – at any rate, it wasn’t us and we don’t wish to be guilty of cultural appropriation (except from Quakers!). (If you’re wondering what’s in my bonnet, I’m a recovering Unitarian, you see, and I have a lot of pain around this -- for reasons that are mostly inexplicable). You may use the word "blessed" however.

5. Violators of any of the foregoing rules shall be gleefully pelted with silken tofu.

Ah there, I’ve now established a religion for me -- just the way I like it. I’m ready for new members to come flooding in. Helloo? Anyone there? Hello?



No? OK, then, I’m willing to compromise a little. The yarn people can join. OK, OK, three bumper stickers and plain dress day ends at noon -- but that’s my final offer....