A Clerking Retrospective

My wife has decided that she doesn't want me to re-up as clerk of our meeting in January. I'm a little hazy on why she feels this way, though we have a meeting for clearness on this with a few Friends coming up. It sort of feels like a breath of fresh air, actually. Clerking has been rewarding, and not for me the burden I've heard of in other meetings. Nevertheless, its been uncomfortable in some respects, and my agreement to continue was based in some measure on the prospect that no one else would be interested. My insistence (not always so graceful) on coming to a sense of the meeting (and at a meeting for business, of all places!) hasn't always set well with the former more free-wheeling way of doing things and that has caused some tension. On the whole, though, its been an honor (and I mean that in the least trite or egoic sense I can manage). On the other hand, I feel that somewhere I've failed, that I've stressed process over substance, somehow. I've actually felt self-conscious about pausing for silence during MfB, like I was trying to pull a fast one. Its not the norm here. One of my goals was to have more spirit-led meetings, yet they still feel like a modified form of secular business to me. It feels like there is a discontinuity between meeting for worship and everything else. I have a yearning for the opposite, where everything we do feels as though it is coming from a place of worship. God willing.